Getting better at being comfortable with the (constructive) use of silence is a pretty key skill in a coaching toolkit. Following up with some of the managers who have been introduced to the coaching models around Christmas, it also seems to be one of the bigger snagging points that people hit. It’s just so ingrained to try and fill the space, particularly if the topic that you’re conversing about is a bit uncomfortable. Those who know me (particularly outside the coaching sphere) will find me writing this blog absolutely hilarious. Consistently, since I was a child, I have been badged a chatterbox. It was true in my early school reports, it was the feedback that I got in the latest 360° feedback exercise we did in the Autumn. At least I’m consistent…
It’s possibly also one of the things that people find peculiar if I’m coaching somebody that I know, as, in that context, I speak much, much, much less. The standard rule of thumb I remember being taught was that in a good coaching conversation you should be aiming (as the coach) to be speaking 20% of the time and listening 80%. The latest AI analysis tools for coaches have monitoring aspects which report back on this, but you can generally get a good guesstimation if you look at a transcript of the session (if you’re meeting online and with the coachee’s consent to have recorded it, naturally).
The key concept that unlocked the use of silence, for me, was getting a really good grasp of how active silence is, and the different types there are.
It shouldn’t really come as a surprise at how not silent silence typically is, in different aspects of our lives we rub up against this every day. It’s striking how quiet the world sounds when the weather turns misty (here’s a photo I took at Roath Park Lake earlier this year in which the horizon of the water blended with the sky).
But even in the silence there is coincidental noise. John Cage made his name with 4’33”, in which various musicians “played” silence for the time stated.
There are many performances of this online:
Each one is different, as the silence is broken by sounds in the environment, coughs, shuffling, things faintly heard from outside. SIlence is active.
In a coaching conversation the space it provides is absolutely crucial, it serves both you and the coachee and it can be useful if you’re just starting to get to grips with it as a tool to bear in mind the myriad uses and functions that it can perform.
It’s a particularly important technique to use if the coachee is a reflector, by nature. After asking a question, it is really important that you allow them the time and the space to organise and formulate a response, before barrelling in with any qualifications or clarifications or your own musings on the subject. It also provides the space that people need to identify the feelings associated with what you’ve just asked them. Often in coaching what we’re doing is helping to join the dots for people, in a factual sense there’s probably not much standing in their way from achieving what they’re aiming to do. But it’s not happening – the emotional side associated with those actions (lack of excitement, fear, too much enthusiasm, ennui, nervousness, boredom) is regularly post-rationalised, but needs to be addressed before they can progress. Using that silent space to give the coachee chance to speak, and understand, where they’re at, and for you as coach to bear witness to the unsaid things, their body language and their reactions to the questions and their answers is crucial to unlocking their dilemmas.
In supportive silence, you give the coachee the chance and the safety to express their thoughts and emotions, oftentimes for the first chance they have ever had to do so on that particular topic. As a coach, this is where your neutral role is critical and unique. If they’d discussed this with a colleague, a friend or their family their emotional response would likely be met with an amplifying emotional counter response. In the coaching space, that vocalisation of their thoughts is vented into a supportive, inquisitive arena. The acceptance of their thoughts and the aim to really understand them, and what that means for them is one of the planks that helps to build up that trust with a coachee.
Silence is also a really useful tool to encourage a speaker to elaborate. By managing your own body language, you can show that you’re still listening, and interested, but that you’re wanting to hear more on that theme. Holding a silence to encourage this is a real gift for the person that you’re with (but which has to be managed carefully, so that they don’t think you’ve got bored or distracted).
It also serves a purpose for you, as the coach, in allowing you to reflect on what you’ve heard (and demonstrate that too). Taking a moment to think about what you’ve just been told, what that means, what interventions and questions that you’ve used so far, and what ones you might want to try during the rest of the session is absolutely crucial.
The ultimate aim of all of this dynamic silence is to shoot for what is termed ‘catalysing silence’. Having encouraged the coachee to think more in-depth and really get to the crux of their dilemma you’re helping them get towards that lightbulb moment, the point at which they helicopter out from what’s been occupying them and get the overview that allows them to see it from the different angles that provide lateral, unique and bespoke solutions.
But crafting silence isn’t necessarily easy, we often rush towards filling the gaps. So what are the top tips for getting comfortable with those pauses?
It’s very easy to think that a pause or a gap in a conversation is longer than it actually is. I’ve often heard trainers suggest that you count backwards from 5 (or 3, if you’re impatient… or a slow counter) after you’ve asked a question, or before you leap in to ask your next question. It’s not a bad idea if you aren’t sure how long the pauses actually are, but I think it can run the risk of becoming a bit mechanistic (or boring) for you as a coach.
What unlocked the power of silence for me was tied into the body language point. With the slightest nod of the head, widening of eyes, Roger Moore tweak of an eyebrow you’re able to, non-verbally show that you’re still listening, and still thinking about what’s being said. A focus on your own breathing can ensure that you stay in the present moment. You’re there for the coachee, and whatever they might want to say next. You have got the time to see their body language and their emotional response to what they just told you. It’s often a good idea to make your next question about what you see in that:
“How do you feel about what you just told me?”
“You said that you were angry about what’s happened, but you look pretty relaxed. How does the anger show up?”
Or by using the active listening approach in which you find the words they used that mirror that body language and reflect it back to them to seek elaboration.
Silence is dynamic. Which is probably why there have been so many songs written about it.
SImon and Garfunkel had written a folky unaccompanied album of songs before they hit it big.
Simon & Garfunkel – The Sounds of Silence (Audio)
Their producer Tom WIlson, co-opted Bob Dylan’s backing band to record a rockier, band version of the Sound of silence. The point at which this was done, the duo had effectively split due to lack of commercial success. If it hadn’t been for Mr.Wilson this iconic track wouldn’t have become the iconic anthem it is today. So if you ever wondered why the music in that and on “Like a Rolling stone” seem to share a common DNA, well, now you know!